Make Up or Break Up… Create a Life to Go Toward

Photo credit: Martinak15

“Each relationship you have with another person reflects the relationship you have with yourself.” – Alice Deville

When is it time to go? When is it best to stay? What drives people to stay in relationships when there is a deep knowing that it does not really work anymore? When are you pleasing others so much that you forget who you are and how to take care of yourself? Without nurturing ourselves and others, eventually, our behaviors and choices can lead to losing people we love and care about very much, whether we are in romantic partnerships, friendships or even professional relationships.

People usually do not break up from a lack of loving each other. Love is not the problem. Break-ups occur for many reasons, some including unmet expectations or needs, poor communication, lack of investment with time or money, extinguished passion, loss of respect, dismissal of each other’s dreams, fear of abandonment or loss, the need for control, and even ignorance of how the other person needs to feel loved and cherished.

Beyond these, I believe one of the greatest causes of disconnection is a lack of self-esteem and not recognizing or understanding one’s OWN value.  People often look to another person to make them feel good about themselves and to get their needs met instead of being in charge of their own self worth. We want others to fill up our tanks instead of getting happy with who we are, what we do and why we are doing it. So, how do you retrieve yourself?

In my Life Coaching practice, I often work with people who are going through or considering life and relational transitions such as divorce or other major break-ups. My clients begin by rediscovering their own significance and then designing a vision of the life they want to lead both personally and professionally. They examine ways in which they can create true intimacy with themselves through self-acceptance, love and reclaiming their own essence. They are then able to connect with others with clarity, empowerment and self-confidence, rather than neediness or lack of self-worth.

In an ideal situation, it is always good when people can work through their differences to become stronger, to create more understanding with each other and to re-unite in the best possible way. Sometimes people work hard to remain together, yet in the end, one, the other or both people might choose to leave anyway. That is why it is important that no matter whether individuals decide to honor their current commitment; create an exit strategy; or remain open to other possibilities, they need to create a life to go toward.

12 Tips to Transform Yourself and Your Relationships: 

  1. Say no in order to say yes to YOU.
  1. Forgive yourself and others; don’t play the “Blame Game.”
  1. Let go gracefully.
  1. Realize today’s situation is not tomorrow’s reality.
  1. Trust your intuition.
  1. Create clean closures.
  1. Fill your own spiritual void.
  1. Launch a new YOU.
  1. Date yourself.
  1. Learn something new.
  1. Pursue your passions.
  1. Go where you are celebrated.

In the end, if you break up it can be hard, and yes, very painful. But I do not believe that you have to suffer through it, nor be a martyr to your situation. Saying goodbye to a relationship or situation that no longer works for you is saying yes to you and more possibilities for your own life. A break-up can be an opportunity to grow, learn and transform. When you focus on yourself and truly learn to love who you are, you will become blissfully happy.

Coaching Questions to Retrieve Yourself:

  1. Whether you make up or break up, what is your vision for a life you want to go toward?
  1. What would your love life look like if you were dating you?
  1. What do you want and need in your relationships? Make a list of all of the things you want your partner to do for you, and then ask him or her for what you need or do it for yourself.
Meet Jennifer: Life Coach, Inspirational Speaker and Author Jennifer M. Blair is founder of Excavive™ Coaching and Consulting, based in Louisville, Kentucky. Her work focuses on empowering people to pursue their passions, increase their self-confidence, communicate powerfully and build the kind of lives they want to live. If you love these Blog posts, many have been adapted from her first book, The True You: Tools to Excavate, Explore and Evolve, published in 2011.